Trial By Fire

The past few weeks have been nothing short of a roller coaster for me, but it inspired this post, so…that’s a plus!

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Sometimes the Universe will give you lessons in fairly easy or straight-forward ways. Maybe you’ll see someone else go through a hard time and learn from watching their experience. Perhaps a movie, song, or book will lead to a great, life-changing “a-ha” moment for you.

And then sometimes the Universe will just snatch the rug out from under you, throw you in the ocean, or set you on fire and go, “Okay, make it out of that!”

Both approaches get you to (hopefully) the end goal of learning something important about yourself, your life, and/or the world around you. The second set of circumstances, though, often feel unfair when you’re going through it.

“God, there’s an easier way to show me this, isn’t there?”

“Geez, Universe, really? This is what we’re doing now?”

“What did I do wrong, because I must’ve screwed up somewhere to get into this mess.”

Truth is, glass is tempered and shaped in fire. Tripping causes you to use your reflexes to protect yourself, reflexes you might have forgotten about. Being surrounded by water forces you to swim or tread. It’s a daunting task, but wow, do you feel accomplished once you emerge out of it! Even if everything is not 100% perfect yet on the other side, you came out of the fire much stronger than when you went in.

Sometimes it does take a so-called Trial By Fire in order to grow stronger. We need our Dark Night of the Soul because it often forces us to stop, to humble ourselves, and to listen because that is all we can do.

Sometimes, we need to stop.

If we don’t stop, best believe that eventually, the Universe will do it for us. Bluntly.

Still, even in those dark moments, remember that it is a learning cycle. The wheel will turn, and momentum will build again. You will get through this, and you will emerge stronger, more aware, and more in love with life itself than you were before.

You. Will. Get. Through. This.

 

 

Compassion Fatigue

First…yes, this is a real thing.

There is such a state where you have been giving so much and caring so much that you get physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually tired of it. We even have a more technical name for it: Secondary Traumatic Stress (STS).

Let me make this clear: This does not mean that you are a horrible person.

What it does mean, in basic terms, is that you have been giving more love and positive light than you have been receiving. If you are constantly hit with negative or stressful images, words, situations, and people, then it makes perfect sense that it will eventually take a toll. So, if you are a news buff who doesn’t agree with current government trends who is also trying to take care of your mother (who has dementia) while also volunteering for an animal shelter…yeah, you’re probably going to have STS at some point.

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You’re going to get tired. You’re going to find yourself not caring as much and then feel guilty for not caring as much. You will suddenly find yourself having a shorter fuse, losing or gaining weight, and maybe feeling less assured that the world is not a giant rock of despair. Yes, this is normal…it means you care.

So, being in the midst of STS setup situations myself, I started creating a routine “care schedule” for myself. Some of these really basic items include:

  • Going for a walk, or spending time in nature.
  • In lieu of the first one, taking a shower and leaving the house at least once a day (even if it’s just to sit at a park or get a coffee)
  • Not watching the news 24/7. Don’t get me wrong, I keep up with it in general, but I don’t watch any 24 hour news channels.
  • Meditating. This one can be life changing.
  • Having a couple of guilty pleasures. For me, it’s Pokemon Go (yep, I’m one of 10 people that still plays it), and two music groups I’m supposedly too old to like (BTS and 5 Seconds of Summer…don’t go judging me, lol). Also, little wonder why I get along with kids/young people so well…
  • Doing some kind of spiritual work for myself or others. This doesn’t seem to drain me at all, and I believe it is because when I’m doing anything spiritual, I am pulling from the overflow of Spirit/the Universe, and not my own reserves.

Right now, it can be a pretty difficult time for a lot of people, especially in my generation. Our parents are getting older, so we may be starting to take on caregiving roles. We have an absurd amount of financial instability thanks to everything from student loans to low wages. The political atmosphere here in the States (regardless of what side you’re on) is just…annoying as hell, to put it extremely lightly. Please take care of yourselves during this time. Also, feel free to give other ideas (either here or on your own blogs) on how you battle STS.

If you do a post about this subject, link it in the comments section!

Also, check out my previous post “To The Strong Ones” that also touches on this subject.

 

 

Be Still

This was inspired by a conversation I had with my grandfather and a video I posted on my Instagram (@sparcguidance) about the same subject.

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I am definitely one of those people who feels like they must always be doing something. If I’m not working, I feel like I’m wasting time and energy. I hate if I oversleep, even if I was up late the night before. Not seeing daily progress makes me antsy. Even if I try to have a PJ Day (you know, staying in your pajamas for the entire day), I feel guilty and stagnant.

As I vented all of these things to my grandfather, he calmly replied, “To me, it sounds like you need to just slow down for a moment. Everyone is always in a hurry to do something. When you get to my age, you’ll wish you sat still more often.”

At first, this made no sense to me. Are you kidding? This is the time to do all of the running, because I certainly don’t want to be trying to “hustle” in my 80’s. Then I thought about it. When we speed ahead, we tend to miss the signs. We miss the signals that the universe is trying to give us. I realized that I had missed a lot of previous signs to slow down. Now, I was in a place where I had no choice but to slow down because nothing was working out the way I wanted it to. Possibly more important, I was so busy trying to race ahead that I was missing a lot of beautiful things along the way. That was what I think my grandfather was really getting at. I wasn’t enjoying the scenery.

So, as we embark on the summer kick-off, take time out to enjoy the season. Literally stop and smell the roses (unless you have allergies like me…then please don’t). Go by the beach to catch the sunrise or sunset. Eat some summer fruit during your break. Above all, take time to be still. We are always running, coming, and going. Surely we can afford a few minutes (or even seconds) to take a breath and be still, can’t we?

Holding Space

Over the last few months, this concept has popped up numerous times in both my professional and personal life. It’s not as straightforward as traditional psychological terms and approaches, but I wanted to speak on my view of it since most of us will be in this situation at some point.

There will be moments where you simply won’t know what to say to a person. Perhaps they just lost someone, or are ranting madly because they’ve been wronged in some way. There’s really nothing you can do to help the situation. So, what do you do?

As a therapist, I’ve had these moments. I’ve had to be the solid pillar while someone’s life was falling apart. I’ve had to break seemingly bad news to parents about their child. I’ve had to sit with a teenager while her brother lay in a hospital, dying. In all of these situations, I had to realize that nothing I say is going to make the situation go away. I can’t remove the pain. The other thing I realized was that I could not bring myself to give some kind of rote response. “You’ll be okay” or “Everything happens for a reason” won’t cut it here.

Here is where the concept of holding space comes in. You simply make that space a container. In these moments, people often just need to express. There is no pressure to think up a solution for the person. They already know that you can’t do anything about it. They sometimes already know that they’ll get through it. In that moment, though, they need to process. They need somewhere safe to vocalize their frustrations, sorrow, confusion, and occasionally socially unacceptable thoughts.

Of course, this is easier said than done. In the therapy field, we are almost programmed to think up solutions, and we may think up some right at these difficult moments. A lot of times, though, that’s not what people need. They need to feel a sense of peace, to know that at their most vulnerable moment, you are making them feel safe. I have been on the flip side of this, where I expected a place to be able to express myself, and instead was reduced to tears by someone who felt that I needed a “reality check” at that moment. No, I didn’t. I needed to process my feelings, and I was demeaned for it. After that, I never trusted that person as a confidant again, and I learned how not to be with regards to future clients.

You don’t have to be a therapist to do this. Sometimes friends and family just need to talk, and maybe sit in silence for a bit. We are often so afraid of silence, when it can be an amazing gift. Silence allows processing, and it allows Spirit to enter the picture. To me, this is holding space: creating a safe, peaceful environment to allow another to process and express…and to allow Spirit to enter and help heal.