Parents, We Need You.

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First, yes, it’s been awhile. A lot has been going on over here, including some big decisions that will probably be announced in the June site update.

A recent situation has caused me to take a hard look at the idea of “parent buy-in.” It’s a bit of a buzzword/concept in my field, and it centers around the goal of getting the family invested in our therapy work. Too often, I see parents who simply hand their child/children off to the therapist/interventionist/specialist and basically say, “Here, fix them.”

The truth, parents and guardians, is that we cannot “fix” your child. First of all, many of us don’t really like the idea of “fixing” anyone. It implies that the individual is broken, inferior, or not up to some invisible set of societal standards. Second, we are in your home/community or you are in our office a few hours a week.

In order for your son or daughter to become the best that they can be, they need YOU.

In order for us to be able to find those sparks in your son or daughter, we need YOU.

I always try to tell families at the very beginning that this is a team effort, and everyone must be invested in it. The clients I worked with who blossomed the most were the ones who had the support and follow-through from their parents/guardians, their siblings, and even extended family. The families who were sponges, hungry for information, skills, and concrete examples…these were the cases that led to more fulfilled lives. No, the child didn’t get “fixed.” The child got love and acceptance, and that made them work at becoming more confident, loving, and ready. All children want to receive acceptance and praise from their parents/loved ones, I truly believe that.

When the families meet us at the table, ready to make the world of their family unit a better place, amazing things happen. I’ve seen it over and over again.

I have a saying when meeting families: “My end goal is to essentially be fired because you don’t need me anymore.” I don’t want your family to become dependent on me or my team. I want you to apply learned skills and build relationship bonds so that you don’t need my “expertise” anymore.

Us professionals want to see the child AND the family unit flourish and thrive independent of any services or interventions.

This needs to be everyone’s goal.

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The Bridge: Siblings

In working with child and teen clients, I have seen other professionals address the subject of siblings in one of two ways: inclusion or exclusion.

Thankfully, most of the time there is some degree of inclusion. Siblings are an intricate part of the everyday life of a child, and when the child is on the spectrum, brothers and sisters can take on a much more important role.

In most of my experiences (but not all), the siblings have been neurotypical. They are having a host of emotions regarding their autistic brother or sister: they are at times protective, sometimes jealous (because of the attention their sibling gets), often a bit confused as to how they can help, but almost always coming from a place of love.

For workers and professionals, they can present a challenge. The siblings often want to be involved in some way, particularly if the therapy is a play-based approach like I tend to use. They see the “cool” things I’m doing with their sibling, and naturally they want to be a part of it. Completely cutting the sibling out of the play (or worse, telling them that I’m only there for the client) can have negative results; the sibling may start acting out or “sabotaging” the session. Of course, if they have too much freedom, they could undercut whatever the worker is trying to do.

Here are some of the things I have done to incorporate the siblings into the sessions in a constructive way:

  • Sometimes, they just want to play with the “new” toys (if a worker brings toys) . With one family, I started giving the older brother his “own” toy/play station at the start of the session. This greatly minimized his tendency to snatch toys from my client.
  • Doing activities that all of the siblings (and ideally all of the family members) can participate in equally. Active games like ball games (kicking/rolling back and forth), art activities (fine motor skills treasure troves!), and board games (turn-taking, social interaction) are great ways to have fun, work on skills, and involve everyone.
  • Enlisting the siblings to help their autistic brothers and sisters. I honestly believe that kids want to be loved, accepted, and praised, and this is a great way to fold that in. I have seen parents do this really well, and in a variety of ways. The easiest way is having the sibling model some behavior or routine that they would like the autistic child or teen to pick up on. The praise they receive for their help does a lot to raise the self-esteem of both siblings.
  • Cooking can be a great activity, especially if any or all of the kids/teens show an interest in doing so. Interventionists have created some great cooking sessions where they have made everything from sandwiches to stews with the family. Make sure to use safety first!

I always try to talk to the siblings in some context, even if it is just a check-in while writing up my note or setting up. They often feel left out when their neurodiverse siblings have special friends coming in to work with just them. Looking at it from the neurotypical sibling’s viewpoint, I can see why they would feel isolated in that sense. I also make a point to commend the parents who have fine tuned the delicate art of giving all of the kids quality time, because it is by no means an easy feat. I encourage my fellow professionals to do the same. 🙂