Saying “No” and Walking Away

This can be a tough one for me, and I think for many who consider themselves to be Healers and/or Helpers.

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*Thought I’d add a little Halloween fun to this one*

As we move into the holiday season, and as Christmas stuff and fluff starts to pop up everywhere (already), I think it’s important that this little reminder is revisited.

Do not try to be everything for everyone this season.

Do not push yourself into a breakdown trying to appease others, no matter who they are.

Do not feel guilty for saying “no” if it is to take care of yourself. Most of us know our internal signs of being spread too thin, so when you start to see them, that’s your cue to cut some of the chaos back.

Do feel free to walk away if someone is not hearing your request for peace. I’ve had to do this a lot in the last few years, and I’m doing it now. If you respectfully state why you can’t invest time, money, or energy into something, and they ignore that request, then your feelings in the matter are not important enough to them. Seek out those who respect your desire for balance.

Do give yourself the all-important “me time.” Even if it’s a few blocks worth of a walk, 2 minutes in the car, or a 5 minute cup of coffee in silence, carve it out. Those little moments add up.

Do what you can and/or must to show yourself some love. All of the other statements above roll right back into this: love yourself.

Trial By Fire

The past few weeks have been nothing short of a roller coaster for me, but it inspired this post, so…that’s a plus!

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Sometimes the Universe will give you lessons in fairly easy or straight-forward ways. Maybe you’ll see someone else go through a hard time and learn from watching their experience. Perhaps a movie, song, or book will lead to a great, life-changing “a-ha” moment for you.

And then sometimes the Universe will just snatch the rug out from under you, throw you in the ocean, or set you on fire and go, “Okay, make it out of that!”

Both approaches get you to (hopefully) the end goal of learning something important about yourself, your life, and/or the world around you. The second set of circumstances, though, often feel unfair when you’re going through it.

“God, there’s an easier way to show me this, isn’t there?”

“Geez, Universe, really? This is what we’re doing now?”

“What did I do wrong, because I must’ve screwed up somewhere to get into this mess.”

Truth is, glass is tempered and shaped in fire. Tripping causes you to use your reflexes to protect yourself, reflexes you might have forgotten about. Being surrounded by water forces you to swim or tread. It’s a daunting task, but wow, do you feel accomplished once you emerge out of it! Even if everything is not 100% perfect yet on the other side, you came out of the fire much stronger than when you went in.

Sometimes it does take a so-called Trial By Fire in order to grow stronger. We need our Dark Night of the Soul because it often forces us to stop, to humble ourselves, and to listen because that is all we can do.

Sometimes, we need to stop.

If we don’t stop, best believe that eventually, the Universe will do it for us. Bluntly.

Still, even in those dark moments, remember that it is a learning cycle. The wheel will turn, and momentum will build again. You will get through this, and you will emerge stronger, more aware, and more in love with life itself than you were before.

You. Will. Get. Through. This.

 

 

Painting, Self-Identity, and Deviation

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On Saturday, I had a chance to do a “paint and sip” afternoon. I wasn’t even going to go at first, but was talked into it by a childhood friend of mine. The experience gave me an interesting look at creativity, our self-identity, and how willing we are to deviate from societal norms.

For these events, we are usually given a beginning sketch, and then are walked through how to essentially duplicate the picture. It’s a genius idea, because the steps are explained in such a way where you would have to really try to mess it up. It’s nearly fool proof. This picture, titled “Golden Goddess,” featured a black woman’s facial outline and shoulder. Everything else would have to be painted in.

I started deviating a bit from the start. I mixed the colors for the skin tone a bit differently, and I decided that I wasn’t going to give her a curly afro like the example because I wanted her to look more like me. I also wasn’t going to be too crazy with her makeup because, again, that wasn’t me. I found myself wishing that I had blue instead of green paint so that I could make purple and really let loose on the color scheme.

Strangely enough, it never crossed my mind to ask for blue paint.

I knew what elements I wanted to add to the painting, but I didn’t because I didn’t feel that I had the resources or access to them…even though there was plenty of blue paint on one of the counters at the front of the room. I didn’t think to ask and instead just sat, wishing.

While in the midst of this mini-crisis, I starting looking at the others’ paintings. Most were following the instructions to the letter. Then I saw one woman who had clearly decided to go a different route. Her finished goddess ended up with pinkish-red bushy hair, a green top instead of a red one, and roses around her instead of circles. It looked awesome.

My finished goddess looked like a halfway point between the example and whatever I wanted. I love her, but I know that she can be more.

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I then started looking at more pictures from the business of other painting parties. I was genuinely curious at how few people tried to deviate from the presenting pictures. There were several where I thought, “Oh, I would’ve added these colors, maybe changed that background into this.” When it came to the painting of a black woman, though, I saw the highest number of deviations to have the subject look more like the painter. So why didn’t I see such deviation with the landscape or object painting classes?

No, I’m not answering or looking to answer that question. This is more simply food for thought. How willing are you to paint outside the lines? Do you prefer to follow the norms, or pivot a little? How much do you pivot? How does art help one deviate a bit more than usual? If you know what you want to create, how willing are you to pursue it?

Monday motivation, indeed.

Let’s talk about…divination

*I will be doing a series of posts about topics that, in some spiritual circles, are seen as controversial or even forbidden. Please keep in mind that these are my ideas/opinions on the subjects. They do not reflect the viewpoints of all who practice or engage in these topics. I encourage readers to research on their own to get a full understanding of the subjects presented, as there are a wide variety of resources available online and off.*

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Divination is an interesting subject. In some religions and paths, the subject is taboo and forbidden. In others, only certain individuals are expected to have such abilities. In still others, divination is highly recommended for anyone before making any major decisions. For better or for worse, it is a powerful aspect of spirituality.

The biggest fear I have seen associated with divination is not that it isn’t real, but that you don’t know who is coming through. To be honest, this fear can be put on any form of spiritual communication, including prayer. Do you really know who you are praying to? Who is answering it? The same questions can apply to any of the forms of communication because we are dealing with the unseen. We don’t have a phone number, face, or ID to confirm who is “on the other end.” We are going on the hope that we did the correct invocation to reach the right entity. I believe that you can protect yourself, and there are protection prayers that can (and should) be used.

The methods of divination are wide and plentiful. I think most people are familiar with using cards (tarot, oracle, or even playing cards), scrying, pendulums, and shells or bones, and those are just a few. The ways in which the methods can be used are just as plentiful as the methods themselves. What I believe they all have in common is a direct connection to some spiritual essence; this can be a deity, one’s Higher Self, one’s own ancestors, or spiritual guides.

Divination is not accepted in the scientific community in general, as it does not appear to have any physical evidence to support it. Those that utilize it are often painted as fakes, charlatans, or con artists. I will be the first to admit that those certainly exist in the community, as I have encountered them myself. I will even say that it can be easy to use divination as a con if you are well-versed in reading body language. Intuition and trusting your own sixth sense can go a long way in identifying those with gifts/connections versus the con artists. Finally, some simply consider divination to be evil and/or the work of the devil. Not everyone is open to the idea of divination, and that is perfectly okay.

Those that are open to it in general are looking to find direct communication and/or enhance their connection to what they consider to be Spirit, and this can be done in a safe and productive manner.

What are some of your go-to divination methods? Do you have reservations about divination? Why or why not?

SG versus Therapy

I’ve said this briefly before, but I have seen this line crossed so many times now that I decided it needs an entire post. Just to forewarn you, this may turn into a bit of a rant because this is a subject near and dear to me.

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Spiritual guidance (SG) and therapy are NOT the same thing. They are also NOT interchangeable.

Speaking as a guide, I would never attempt to diagnose or treat a mental health issue. Even with my background in counseling, I am not licensed, so this is not within my scope of active practice. If I feel that therapy would benefit the client, I will readily and gladly recommend it. Having opportunities to engage in both SG and therapy can be extremely beneficial; it allows for both mental and spiritual healing with professionals working within their proper boundaries and areas of expertise.

Speaking from the experience of working as a therapist, I get alarmed when I see guides start to act more like therapists. Guides have a unique duty and focus, which is the spiritual well-being of the client. This is not the same as the mental well-being. There are many aspects of spiritual practice that, in a mental health setting, may appear to be signs of pathology. Visions could equal hallucinations. A bond with nature may be seen as delusions of grandeur. I like to use the “harm question” to distinguish the two: is this person’s beliefs or experiences causing harm (of any kind) to themselves or others? If not, SG can continue. If so, I will get other professionals involved promptly.

The other issue with blurring this line is the flip side of the coin: guides who are unable to recognize mental health issues at all. I have seen a self-proclaimed guide completely miss what to me were obvious signs of depression in a client, and instead they chastised the client almost relentlessly for being “unmotivated.” The client was called lazy, insubordinate, childish, etc. The “guide” threatened to abandon the client and stop communicating with them if they didn’t do as they were advised.

This is not good therapy or spiritual guidance. Honestly, this isn’t even respectful. This is bullying. Rather than punishing a client for not following instructions (which, by the way, you shouldn’t be spending your time as a guide doing, anyway), a guide would seek to understand the roadblocks that the client is putting up. A good therapist does this as well. There is always a reason for blockages, and they are rarely there just because the client is “lazy.” Punishing the client by fussing at them or threatening to basically abandon them is not going to get you to the reason. It only alienates the client or leads to dependency with the client constantly trying to please the guide. The client in this example should have been referred to a therapist to address the depression symptoms.

I could probably go on forever with this post, but those are some of the bigger issues I’ve seen when two different practices/approaches collide in ways that they shouldn’t.

Can you think of other ways that these lines could be blurred, and/or how to prevent this from happening?

Compassion Fatigue

First…yes, this is a real thing.

There is such a state where you have been giving so much and caring so much that you get physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually tired of it. We even have a more technical name for it: Secondary Traumatic Stress (STS).

Let me make this clear: This does not mean that you are a horrible person.

What it does mean, in basic terms, is that you have been giving more love and positive light than you have been receiving. If you are constantly hit with negative or stressful images, words, situations, and people, then it makes perfect sense that it will eventually take a toll. So, if you are a news buff who doesn’t agree with current government trends who is also trying to take care of your mother (who has dementia) while also volunteering for an animal shelter…yeah, you’re probably going to have STS at some point.

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You’re going to get tired. You’re going to find yourself not caring as much and then feel guilty for not caring as much. You will suddenly find yourself having a shorter fuse, losing or gaining weight, and maybe feeling less assured that the world is not a giant rock of despair. Yes, this is normal…it means you care.

So, being in the midst of STS setup situations myself, I started creating a routine “care schedule” for myself. Some of these really basic items include:

  • Going for a walk, or spending time in nature.
  • In lieu of the first one, taking a shower and leaving the house at least once a day (even if it’s just to sit at a park or get a coffee)
  • Not watching the news 24/7. Don’t get me wrong, I keep up with it in general, but I don’t watch any 24 hour news channels.
  • Meditating. This one can be life changing.
  • Having a couple of guilty pleasures. For me, it’s Pokemon Go (yep, I’m one of 10 people that still plays it), and two music groups I’m supposedly too old to like (BTS and 5 Seconds of Summer…don’t go judging me, lol). Also, little wonder why I get along with kids/young people so well…
  • Doing some kind of spiritual work for myself or others. This doesn’t seem to drain me at all, and I believe it is because when I’m doing anything spiritual, I am pulling from the overflow of Spirit/the Universe, and not my own reserves.

Right now, it can be a pretty difficult time for a lot of people, especially in my generation. Our parents are getting older, so we may be starting to take on caregiving roles. We have an absurd amount of financial instability thanks to everything from student loans to low wages. The political atmosphere here in the States (regardless of what side you’re on) is just…annoying as hell, to put it extremely lightly. Please take care of yourselves during this time. Also, feel free to give other ideas (either here or on your own blogs) on how you battle STS.

If you do a post about this subject, link it in the comments section!

Also, check out my previous post “To The Strong Ones” that also touches on this subject.

 

 

To The Strong Ones

Note: This came to me after reading a message on a Facebook post, and it comes on the heels of two great losses in the entertainment world. That said, this may be triggering for some. Please look upon yourself with compassion as you read it. You are not alone. If you need to talk to someone, please call 1-800-273-8255 (United States). They are available 24/7. 

Hi there.

Yes, you. I see you, by the way. I know you think that no one sees you, but I do. I see you.

I see you wearing multiple hats. I see you being the pillars of strength for your families, your friends, your communities, your countries. I see you wiping the tears of everyone around you, telling them to be strong and face each day with their heads high…you know, like you always do. I see you being the listening ears, the “make it all betters,” the mom and dad sometimes, the dad and mom sometimes, the compassionate daughter, the faithful son…

The Strong One.

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I also see you when you’re alone. I see the tears. I see the frustration. I see the tiny spark of sadness when you don’t get a chance to voice your building anxiety, so you just swallow it and smile. I see the moments that you stare off into nothing, wishing that you could possibly just go to sleep…and sleep…and sleep…and sleep.

I see all of that.

Please know that so many do love you. Do not be afraid to be vulnerable. Even the strongest pillars need support at times, especially when they are carrying the most weight. Do not be afraid to cry, to admit that you have moments of weakness. Those who love you will understand. And most importantly…please don’t feel as if you are all alone. You are not. I see and hear you, and so will those who love you. Reach out.

For those who have a Strong One in their lives, reach back. You may save that person.

I love you all so much.

 

Sincerely,

The Divine/God/Allah/Source/Love/Spirit/Whatever you feel comfortable calling me

 

Be Still

This was inspired by a conversation I had with my grandfather and a video I posted on my Instagram (@sparcguidance) about the same subject.

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I am definitely one of those people who feels like they must always be doing something. If I’m not working, I feel like I’m wasting time and energy. I hate if I oversleep, even if I was up late the night before. Not seeing daily progress makes me antsy. Even if I try to have a PJ Day (you know, staying in your pajamas for the entire day), I feel guilty and stagnant.

As I vented all of these things to my grandfather, he calmly replied, “To me, it sounds like you need to just slow down for a moment. Everyone is always in a hurry to do something. When you get to my age, you’ll wish you sat still more often.”

At first, this made no sense to me. Are you kidding? This is the time to do all of the running, because I certainly don’t want to be trying to “hustle” in my 80’s. Then I thought about it. When we speed ahead, we tend to miss the signs. We miss the signals that the universe is trying to give us. I realized that I had missed a lot of previous signs to slow down. Now, I was in a place where I had no choice but to slow down because nothing was working out the way I wanted it to. Possibly more important, I was so busy trying to race ahead that I was missing a lot of beautiful things along the way. That was what I think my grandfather was really getting at. I wasn’t enjoying the scenery.

So, as we embark on the summer kick-off, take time out to enjoy the season. Literally stop and smell the roses (unless you have allergies like me…then please don’t). Go by the beach to catch the sunrise or sunset. Eat some summer fruit during your break. Above all, take time to be still. We are always running, coming, and going. Surely we can afford a few minutes (or even seconds) to take a breath and be still, can’t we?

Spiritual Guidance

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This was where I started.

Originally, this was the focus and center of this blog; to explore aspects of spirituality and how spiritual guidance works. Over time, and almost in line with my thesis creation, the blog merged with my passion for autism and psychology. This led to the present incarnation of the SPARC site.

As I continued, though, I began to notice something. It was becoming more and more difficult for me to consistently post and engage. It became more like a chore rather than a joy, and this made me step back and reexamine both my professional aspirations and my spiritual ones. To my dismay, they were no longer in sync with each other.

I then abandoned the spiritual aspect almost completely, going as far as to remove my previous spiritual posts completely from the blog. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was erasing a huge part of myself because I thought that I had to in order to assimilate into the autism field fully.

I realize now that this isn’t the case.

I essentially did the very thing that I always advise others not to do: I stopped listening to my own voice. I silenced her for the sake of trying to “fit in” more with the autism services communities, and in doing so I denied myself. In case you don’t know, that’s a huge no-no in my book.

Moving back to Florida led to a type of forced reset. Now almost completely removed from the autism field, I realized that I had gained and given all that I could there. It isn’t so much that I was shut out (although it felt like that at the time), but more like my contribution to that field was about to take another form, a form other than service provider.

I say all of that to say this: Autism will be getting its own page on this site. I will continue to post/blog about it and the possible implications of it with the Multiple Intelligence (MI) theory. I’ve decided, though, that I need to honor that ignored aspect of me. I spent nearly three years studying and giving Spiritual Guidance, and to simply abandon something that brought such joy and completeness to both myself and others is unacceptable. This is where I am being guided to go at this time.

If someone on the spectrum or a family dealing with autism wants to work with me, I will happily do so. Please understand, though, that it will be through this lens of spiritual guidance. To be honest, it always was, I just never truly vocalized it. I am also still open to doing autism education workshops; these will continue in their traditional (non-spiritual) format. I will also continue to examine the MI theory, just with a different lens, so to speak.

In upcoming weeks, I will explain more about spiritual guidance itself on this site. Please feel free to contact me at sparcguidance@gmail.com if you want more clarification, information about my practice, or have some specific spiritual questions.

 

Naturalistic: Connect To Nature

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I’m currently in the process of testing out my Find Your Intelligence assessment, and a peer of mine offered to be a guinea pig. About 10 minutes later, she was staring at me in mild shock over the results. Her top intelligence area was Naturalistic, something that she wasn’t expecting at all.

We talked about what exactly that meant for her. In essence, she is both energized and calmed by being in nature. She spoke of how often she goes into nature to hike, swim, or just walk. As a child, she loved to climb trees and take care of her animals. It was present in nearly every aspect of her life so far, and when those activities were absent, she realized how much more stressful her life would become. In the end, I recommended that she try to do something “in nature” as often as she could during the week, even if it was just a walk outside around the block. A week later, she was still in awe of how she had missed such an obvious aspect of her life and happiness.

For those with naturalist intelligence, nature is like a reset button. I think this is the case for most human beings, but it goes double for those that are high in this intelligence. They need to connect to the living world regularly. It could be as simple as the aforementioned walk, or as intense as snowboarding or mountain climbing. Regardless, it is the interaction with nature that brightens them. For some, it also becomes a focus of exploration and fascination, and they become scientists and educators of nature. Regardless, nature helps them bring out their best.

I am always looking for others to try out the FYI assessment, so you can email me at sparcguidance@gmail.com if you’re curious about it. While there are formal sessions and classes available, I also love just chatting about the MI theory and where other think they fall on it!

So, what are you waiting for, Naturalistics? Get outside!